Not Being Okay Is Okay.

I've been overthinking lately. I need more time to prepare myself mentally for what is to come. My diplomas, my goodbyes, my hellos, are the main conflicts that I am anxiously praying to stall. All of which surround the fact that next year, I'm moving out to live on dorm.

In three months, I will have completed my diploma exams (hopefully with good marks) and have been accepted to the University of Alberta (, again, hopefully). My first worry is that. I will not get in. I'll fail my exams. I won't study enough. I won't catch up on my assignments. Writing this post will help me get it together (hopefully). I'll start my social studies assignments tomorrow. 

I'm moving out to a new city. No more coming to school early to sit with Johnson, no more bugging Mme Bartal, no more dance family, no more Kumon twice a week, no more making bubble tea at Kaysy's, no more theory classes, no more bugging my brother while he tries to play games, no more getting kicked in the butt by my mom, no more. I guess it can be a good thing. No more grandma to yell at everything I do (and don't do), no more shitty pearson students, no more -insert names or the two people i hate-, no more IB classes, no more having to clean someone else's mess, no more. 

I'm shy. There's no doubt about it. I can make friends easily I suppose, but only when there is a mutual friend. I won't have anyone out there, and that scares me. I know too many people who have dropped out because they were lonely and hated the environment. I kind of regret signing up for a single room. I kind of wish I had a roommate, someone who would wake me up and remind me of important things to do. I know I'll miss being woken up by my dad, sleeping past my alarm because I'm confident that he won't- he can't forget me. 

I'm also afraid of who will miss me. This year I've become so distant from my friends. I barely ever talk to them outside of classes, unless there's something that needed to be said. I get so sick of people so easily. I prefer to be alone, but get mad when people leave me alone. That's something I need to work on too. I get more sad than angry though, which is good I guess. That way I'm not blaming anyone for the way I feel. I'm just sad. 

I wonder who will be the last to see me before I go. Dance family, probably, at GlobalFest. At least I have one day to rest before I leave for Edmonton, Even though everyone says to keep in touch, I wonder who will make that extra effort to do so. I know I won't unless I talk to them often through social media like twitter. I don't feel it is necessary to communicate on a regular basis. I mean, I could probably do a long distance relationship if I really had to. Sure it's hard but if there's love and trust then all should work out. I want to come back and visit as if nothing were different. 

I guess I've been practicing the distance by isolating myself at school already. I probably need more practice though, because I really fucking miss having a best friend. I don't know who to call my best friend. I only have close friends. I can't choose a best. I know it seems I'm pretty open about things but there's so much that I hide deep down without anyone knowing. 

I don't think I'll be fine on my own. I'll probably cry a lot, considering how much I cry already. I'm prepared to live through that, though. Not being okay is okay. Not being okay is okay. Not being okay is okay. 

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The Exception.

They say actions speak louder than words. However, we don't interract much physically. Our occasional communication speaks to me much louder than the majority of the people i actually spend most of my time with. 

"i'm missing you again, oops"

Copied and pasted into this blog post, you wrote that at the end of the short message you sent me. I have never had any actions performed as strong as those words. Thank you. 

Regardless of our arguments, our lack of face-to-face talks, our conflicting schedules, you always being there for me, to talk to. Thank you and I love you. 

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