"What's your biggest fear?"
"Being alone."
Ever since I was a child that would always be my answer. Of course as I grew older I said it less frequently, but that will always be my biggest fear.
Over the past four months I've come to realize that I have troubles living on my own. Not that I live alone.. What I mean is that I can't seem to go a day without talking to someone. It's almost as if I crave the attention and consolation that comes from ranting on and on about some silly boy who keeps picking on me. I feel like such a child yet I keep finding myself in situations where I'm telling a story about how pitiful my life is. If I could just vent to one person right now, this is how it would go:
Last night I dreamt that we happened and I felt like the luckiest person in the world. It was the first time in a long time that I wanted someone that was far out of my league and who would never notice me. It felt good to know what I wanted. When you called me cute, I replied, "Stop you're giving me false hope." It's true. You gave me false hope that I had a chance for you. I know better now. You've taught me a lot in these past few days. You taught me how to forgive, how to hate, how to regret, how to risk. I still need a little help on the last one, though. When you told me that the person I liked was probably too afraid to confront me, I truly hoped that you were right. I wish you hadn't changed your attitude all of a sudden. I wish your method of moving on was easier.
That's what I would say to him. I can't though, because I lack courage. I want to change that. I want to face my fear. I don't want to depend on people more than I have to. I always knew this would come. I realized it the summer before eleventh grade. Once this year began i would have to proceed alone, relying on nobody but myself. My new years resolution is to struggle alone, fear alone and cry alone. I don't want to drag people into immature situations where a girl doesn't get what she wants, or gets left behind. I won't complain about not being invited when all of my other friends were.
I will help myself.
I will stand alone.
